“This adventure gave each person what they desired…
I am competitive. If I’m racing with a friend to get somewhere, I’ll try to reach it first. I always want to be ahead.
I saw how limitless I could be when there were no boundaries. This made me feel really good.
I was a person who didn’t know how to stop, always running without pause. At one moment, you realize that nature is above everything, you cannot control it.
Stepping out of the comfort zone and entering a small area that you have never known before together. Here, fighting against the unknown as a team, learning to trust.
It definitely made me a happier person; we don’t get the chance to observe life during the day. Life flows very quickly. I had no patience for waiting at all. Because life sped up so much, you have to. Here, you learn that you need to be patient.
I am constantly intertwined with the sea. I’m the youngest, but I’m also the most relaxed. At that moment, what has happened has happened, there’s no need to be tense, in crisis moments I look back now. Yes, what are we doing?
The captain took us to first place; there was good division of labor, planning was in place, the command chain worked well, but what matters is that the goal comes from the heart, hugging each other in tough moments, singing together when you rise to flat ground.
First, you have to dream… Nature, the Aegean, the Sea, the Sun… If these names come together, the universe is telling us something… We must enter this race…
The cure for everything in life is saltwater. Sweat, tears, the sea.”
These words are from an interview after the recent screening of the documentary “Aşşa” featuring the heroes of the film.
The documentary depicts the 555 nautical mile adventure, the longest sailing race in Turkey.
During this challenging 84-hour journey; the Orange Sailing team, with diverse ages, experiences, educations, cultures, genders, and communication styles—when viewed through a mediator’s lens, they have different styles in coping with conflict—while fighting against the harsh conditions of the sea and wind, these differences gradually disappear.
As viewers, we come to an agreement, not necessarily crossing the finish line.
In the end, everyone holds the same rope:
If the rope breaks, they will all fall; if they hold on tightly together, they will rise…
Orange Team and the Mediation Lens
Even though the documentary is about a competition, the main theme of the film is not competition and rivals, but “trust.”
This is also the foundation of the mediation career I chose for myself 20 years ago. If the parties, their counsels, and even the mediator themselves do not trust the process and each other, bringing all the good pieces to the table still won’t create a meaningful whole.
In today’s world, where uncertainty and the unknown are on the rise, and trust in leaders, experts, international organizations, civil society, the judiciary, and lawmakers is steadily declining, can one trust someone they’ve never met before?
Is the sense of trust within societies decreasing, or is it merely transforming? Who or what is causing the erosion of trust — is it in oneself, in others, or is it collectively?
It’s no coincidence that the team I watched in the documentary is named Orange, and we often use the classic example of mediation concerning oranges.
This made me feel that I need to examine competitions more closely and shift to a different lens.
CDRC Vienna: From Observer to Expert Evaluator
I was not only a spectator or observer but also one of the expert evaluators at the international CDRC Vienna – IBA-VIAC Mediation & Negotiation Competition celebrating its 10th year, and I wore my glasses throughout the competition.
During and after the competition, there were many different social media posts by the organization, students, team coaches, and expert evaluators. It was a very intense week for me. I closed my eyes for a while.
No matter how impressive and shocking your experiences are today, we are in a system that expects quick reactions. However, the human mind does not work that way. What others show and tell you, what you see and hear, and what you haven’t seen or heard before all exist.
Sometimes, you also don’t want to see or hear; parts of your brain seem locked. The learning process begins with rewinding your memory – when you watch the same frames over and over again.
As I rewound the scenes, I also turned back to the past. I put forth the question that Najda Alexander asked in her opening speech: “Who are we? What do we have in common with the artists?”
I wandered through the colors of the painting that artist Heidemarie Pontoni-Ochsenhofer created live during the presentation and gifted to the organization. To me, art is a way to express what we don’t say directly.
As mediators, we also strive to reach this form by reframing. I also reflected on what I would say to myself today, facing the version of me who was just starting their career in the past, about trust and competition.
Since childhood, whenever I have many questions in my head, and when I am having problems with someone and cannot communicate, I write them a letter.
This time, I wrote to myself.
A Letter: Confronting the Mediator’s Inner Voice
Show that you are coded to make the improbable happen. Regardless of your age and experience, in the eyes of some (sadly, often a room full of gray-haired know-it-alls), you will always be too delicate, too cute, too detail-oriented, and too thoughtful for tough talks and difficult decisions.
This isn’t about me; it’s not your business either, I am here to help you. If you don’t need help, just wish you good luck, but feel free to let them know you are in charge of the process.
You may not be as charismatic and poker-faced as Mr. Wolf from Pulp Fiction. Because you are someone else, you don’t have to fit into their molds.
With your unpredictability, the curiosity of a 5-year-old, the weight of an elephant women, your deep silence, your unique style, your dancer’s grace, your ballerina poise with sharp turns, your lightness of being an extra, your flexibility, your boundless energy, and above all, your free mind… whether behind the scenes or in the frontline…
Instead of racing to grab the top cherry, let them witness that if they collaborate, they have the potential to produce enough sweetness for everyone at the table, being a truly intelligent, idea-rich businessman with a grasp of reality.
Choose lifetime coaches for yourself.
Focus on being a good person rather than the best among the crowd. Surround yourself with good friends who will show up and intervene when you exceed your speed limits, push the boundaries of patience, or run out of time. No matter your age or experience, at the end of the day, even if you read the room, seek insights from a third eye. The devil has no limits, but a good person has boundaries defined by principles.
Let the advice you hear be a reminder. It could even come from your 6-year-old niece. Children are more mature and objective than those who pretend to be wise. Their speech isn’t pre-prepared; they speak the truth directly to your face.
Shake hands and never let go of those who see the light that no one else can see, who strive to brighten it even if they will someday be overshadowed, and who will back you up if you make mistakes and extend a hand when you fall, rather than those who are merely trying to correct their past mistakes and realize their dreams.
Tell people things they don’t know.
Give a voice to the unseen for the visible people. The number of teams, the sponsors, the speakers, the supporters working in the field, the students, and the organizers are known — even if not, anyone can reach them with a simple desktop research. However, trust is a secure relationship formed with the unknown.
Trust doesn’t get lost in life; it changes shape and form. When something gets stuck in your throat, the waiters bringing you water, the bite of food you throw into your mouth when you’re hungry, or the ice-cold beer when you feel hot are unrecognized; no one questions where and how what they provide comes from.
Exact numbers aren’t known. The menu is glanced at, and the times on the agenda are checked. Entry and exit times of the building are not looked at; there’s no thought about whether food contents are fresh or if it will upset your stomach.
In buildings that you enter daily, you don’t look at the security guard’s name tag, nor do you know the eye color of the person repairing the broken air conditioning, solving technical problems, or cleaning up messes. If their eyes are bloodshot and the last ones to leave the building are unhappy and exhausted while everyone else leaves joyfully to the organization, something must be going wrong in the background, even if it’s not visible.
Even if not today, the ground you walk on may become slippery tomorrow, you may vanish in an airless room, and you may be tested by the manifestations of technology.
Never be too confident in yourself; without them, you truly are nothing. The ones you know by name are the minority, and they are the majority.
The keys to locked doors, the passwords to computers, and the answers to the questions you seek are not with you; they are with them.
Keep your eyes on the service providers, chat with them, don’t wait until the job is done, and thank them for every opportunity you find for their presence.
Continuously update yourself – step onto the stage with your latest version. You are popular today, young and restless, bold and beautiful; tomorrow you may be forgotten. The new generation has no expectation of meaning in product names or loyalty to brands. They are in a situationship with any tool that can do a job at the same time.
You cannot save the situation with simple updates saying once upon a time like that. You only have one face to lose, and if it’s old and you cannot move on to the next version, your time for retirement has come.
While the world keeps turning and technology rapidly develops, as our mothers’ 40-year-old recipes pass through the ChatGPT filter and menus are renewed, don’t come before people with the same jokes or discussions that lead nowhere, and don’t build walls against the youth; make space for the different. At least, you will remain in their memories as “good.”
Do not fall into the complacency of success; first, digest the defeat.
Do not succumb to the complacency of success; first, gain the ability to digest failure. When you focus solely on success in a life race where it’s unclear who evaluates and based on what, you distance yourself from what you truly want. Some races have predetermined winners, some decisions are political, and all corners might already be taken. Even if you do your best, your teammates may not see the passes you make; some may only want to score themselves, and others might not want anyone else to experience that joy.
A crowd can never seem the same in every frame. Those who play short passes in confined spaces cannot open up space for you. You may find that no one is left behind in that crowd. Consider which frame you want to see yourself in, who you’re on the same page with.
Wherever you find yourself after great struggles, even if you’ve scored, you might feel lost. The moment you realize this, do not hesitate to turn the page. Whatever you retrieve from the brink is a gain for you.
Never give up, but don’t hesitate to take breaks and rest.
You will constantly be in a competitive environment, and this race will never end. Those around you may come with the cliché, frozen knowledge of “the show must go on” — hit the pause button. People can make mistakes, plans may not work out, and tactics may fail. Risk analyses and hours of preparation can be brought down by small surprises. The choices you make can disrupt your work-life balance, and the lives you didn’t choose can cause you unease.
No matter how calm you appear from the outside, storms may rage inside. This is not specific to you; it’s the nature of life. Silence the noise of the race, amplify your inner voice. Keep walking at your own pace on a track that you decide. And remember, sometimes just breathing can be a success.
Choose partners who will share the blame from the usual suspects — you’ll have the most fun with them. Run with the team your chemistry fits, and release your energy together at the end of each race.
Those you negotiate with may not know the law, your teammates may not speak the same language, your sponsors may not want you to appear in a certain way, your gender, background, and experiences may differ, and you might even be in a team uniform that doesn’t belong to the same nation.
At the end of the day, if you find yourselves meeting in different stories but with the same expressions, if your eyes connect, and you can easily express yourself without feeling any responsibility, even while stirring up the dust around…
Say bye to the past, come as you are to the next, and continue your path in peace with the new ones.
And finally… Always stay in present and enjoy every moment.
Asiyan Suleymanoglu
